peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
