Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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