I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
