I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize