he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
