I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
