onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
