Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
