Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
