I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
