I just saw a hot homeless man
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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