wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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