Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
