She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
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Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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