He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
