Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
