Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
