This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
