turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
