He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
