Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Barsexuality is the new black.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
