You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
