another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
How naked do you want me to be?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
