Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
