Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
