I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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