just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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