nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
