I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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