based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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