the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
