We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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