I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
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Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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