at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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