I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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