Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
