Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
