I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You've changed since you got that strap on
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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