so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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