I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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