I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
