Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
