It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
