3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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