I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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