The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The air taste purple.
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