Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
