college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
