im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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