A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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