I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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