you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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