he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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