Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
