tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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