If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
