You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
